English Writing Exercise
Course 102, Unit 5, Lesson 4
Rosi's submission:
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I have a friend, an old friend, who is called Sally(she isn't really, but i will keep her name in secret just to give her some privacy). She is a sucker and a trainspotter, although she is not a nerd...Just a quite strange person(a bit as her dear friend :D). Very original, creative and... big mouthed too!!Never tell her a secret to her or it won't be one any longer. She likes going to a park, which is usually crowded and never quiet. Anyway it's clean and idyllic for having a meeting with friends.
Submitted over a year ago
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Very good, Rosi! Just a few minor errors. Quite witty and "native"-sounding conversational style.
I have a friend, an old friend, who is called Sally (she isn't really not her real name, but i will keep her name in secret just to give her some privacy). She is a sucker and a "trainspotter", although she is not a nerd... Just a quite strange person (a bit as her dear friend :D). Very original, creative and... big mouthed too!! Never tell her a secret to her or it won't be one any longer. She likes going to a park, which is usually crowded and never quiet. Anyway, it's clean and idyllic?? for having a meeting with friends.
Seeing that you actually aspire to perfection (from our discussion), I'll provide in-depth analysis & suggestions:
"trainspotter" isn't quite a "real" word yet. You're using it in a "so-called" sense. It's currently a recognized slang term.
She is a sucker... Just keep in mind it's very informal usage. Use guillible/naive, were it for serious writings.
Awkward word order: "a quite strange person". Use "quite a strange", or "a rather/very strange".
"a bit as..." Here, "like" is more appropriate than "as." Therefore: "a bit like" or "kind of like" (informal).
Why remove the comma in "going to a park, which..."? Consider these 2 examples: ► 1. She likes dolls which are hand-made. (no comma, the "which" clause refers to the preceeding noun) ► 2. She likes dolls, which is very common among girls. (with comma, the "which" clause refers to the preceeding clause that describes the fact)
Also, if she likes a particular park, say "She likes going to this park..." Otherwise: "She likes going to parks which are..." to indicate her preference criteria.
Finally, "crowded, never quiet" contradicts with "idyllic." Maybe you meant "ideal"? My guess is you mispelled phonetically and your spellcheck suggested a different word! FYI: "Ideal" means perfect/well-suited, and "idyllic" allures to nature and serene scenes.